I'm at a low point in my life right now. Like, right smack in the middle of rock bottom... again. I've been here before. It's a horrendously painful, yet familiar feeling.
It's at this point a lot of people would turn to religion. I've felt it. I've wanted to believe that someone somewhere is looking out for me and has a divine reason that I'm suffering like I am.
The problem is, I know praying doesn't work. I know that because I've prayed to every deity listening that I just miraculously won't wake up tomorrow. Or ever again.
It hasn't worked. Obviously. I'm still here. Not only that, but I haven't gotten any response whatsoever, so either whoever is listening doesn't care, or they just don't exist.
I know nothing great will ever happen if I don't work towards making it happen. The problem is, I don't know what the goal is, and I therefore don't know what to do to make it happen.
Right now, the goal is ultimately death, right? You work and you live until you're old, and then you die. So my Depression's reasoning is, why not just speed up the process and die right now?
Except I don't want to kill myself. It doesn't seem easy and it doesn't seem like a fun time no matter what method I choose, and the goal really isn't great enough to be worth the effort if it's just going to happen anyway eventually.
So now, the only option really is just to wait until someone tells me what to do with my life. I need someone to come to me with a big exciting opportunity. Because I have no fucking idea what I want. Goal-setting has always been a challenge for me. I'm not a goal-oriented person. I don't have goals. Whether they were tasks assigned to me or just things I enjoyed doing, I've always just done things, with no ends to the means. I never bothered with ends, because the thing about ends, are that once they're over, they don't matter anymore because they're over. They're in the past. Hakuna matata.
I have a psych eval scheduled for next week. They're going to put me back on medication. Part of me is afraid that all the medication is going to do is make me complacent to live a life that's not worth anything, that doesn't mean anything. Maybe that's fine. Maybe it really is all my broken brain that's telling me that everything sucks. Or maybe I'm too smart and observant for my own good - ignorance is bliss, right?
So basically, I'm just living off of everybody else's hope that things will get better for me. People tell me that all the time: "People love you. You have friends and family who care about you. You have a job. Things will get better."
In terms of personal faith-levels, I'm running on empty. But the fumes that keep me going on the basest level are the simple fact that I can't die, because that would disappoint a few people. And I live to please.
This post isn't motivational. There's no happy ending here. I'm just sad and angry and pissed off and I just want life to get better for once.
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