(Late) New Years Resolutions

I'll be the first to admit that New Years Resolutions are overhyped most of the time. "New year, new me" is a phrase that is dismally overused compared to how much the intention behind it is actually acted upon, which is frustrating to me, because I am a huge supporter of the theme of it. Introspection and changing yourself for the better are two things that are very important to me, and I think it's an incredibly valuable skill to have to be self-aware and work on improving yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be. A new year is a perfect excuse to do that.

I'm getting started on mine kinda late, but it's really better late than never. I don't have to wait for another new year, I can just do it now. That's the beauty of being a human being with the freedom to do virtually whatever I want.

I've decided I'm going to speak up more. OCD has majorly hindered my creativity and my self-expression. I often get stuck in feedback loops in my head, wondering if what I'm about to say is worth the effort, if what I've already said made any positive impact, whether or not I got my point across adequately and/or coherently.

The problem is, I've seen way too many people share the same thoughts that I've had myself on a public forum, and get lots of praise and attention for it. It might be vain, but I don't necessarily think it's wrong of me to want that kind of validation and positive attention. I do want people to see me and notice me, but at the same time I also want to be able to make connections with people and reach out in whatever way I can to positively make an impact on someone's life, even if it's in a tiny way.

I've decided to adhere to the philosophy of, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". Because even if I take a shot and it misses, at least I'm not missing out on the chance of it being a bullseye. At least I'll end up with a solid knowledge of the outcome.

I have major anxiety over being perceived as creepy just for talking to somebody innocuously, and I think my biggest hurdle is going to be to try to get past that. I have made strides in this area though, and so far I have sparked a very close friendship over it. Being the one to initiate conversation is extremely liberating when the other person is receptive to it, and I'm trying to focus on that rather than the feeling of rejection which was what was holding me back previously. There really isn't any harm in just telling someone you're a fan of their art, or you think they're cool and you hope they have a great day. They don't even need to respond. At least you made an effort to make their day a little better.

Right now I kind of feel like I'm at war with myself. I've been off my medication for a few months because of insurance issues, and the days which I describe as "Bad Brain Days" have been very common. In fact, the one I'm in right now has lasted for more than a few days, and I'm fighting furiously to get through it with aggressive positivity and optimism.

It's all a process. But then again, really, isn't life?